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My beloved <3
I really really love these two people... They have become a part of my heart and and my life. I can't imagine my life without them. Ok. I could, but it would be disastrous. They really get me, they understand me, I can talk to them about anything.
But... recently I'm not sure anymore... quite doubts have come on little cat feet and... I am scared... even more, I am terrified...
With one of them, I sometimes talk about the most wicked problems in our churches and in the entire world, but on the contrary... sometimes we just talk nonsense. Don't get me wrong, it really is funny, I love to talk with him no matter what we talk about. It's just... when I talk to him, I get the feeling that the rest of the world doesn't matter anymore... We have often telephoned until the sun rose and ... I don't really know how to express it, but... I'm so terrified... what if this ends somewhen?
I have never been able to keep friendships like this... After one year, there has always happened something, seperating the other person and me. Will something like this happen again..? The very idea makes me sad enough... maybe I should stop calling him so often? Or maybe I shouldn't be online in Yahoo anymore... just for a short time... I'm really at a loss... I love our endless conversations, but because of them I don't have enough time for other things anymore. But everytime we talk, it is so hard for me to say goodbye... I don't care about anything else anymore... sometimes, during our dialogs, it feels like the whole world is alright and beautiful...
Well, the other person... recently we haven't talked so much anymore... He has to work too much, he has even stopped studying for one semester. His health isn't very good, either...
With him, I could talk about anything, and I learned so much through him. The problem is... when we don't talk about serious things, sometimes our conversations get really ambiguous. And lately they aren't only ambiguous, they are clearly perverted. Actually I know him very well and I know he's only kidding, but recently... It doesn't sound like kidding anymore. I'm really questioning if our conversations are still ok... I don't know how to express it... it feels like, he says things, he shouldn't be saying.
and my main problem is... with both of them, I'm sure that they really know what they are doing and I trust them. I'm sure that they wouldn't do anything, which they think is wrong or which they shouldn't be doing...
So tell me... what can I do? If I continue like this, my school report will be a disaster and I won't be allowed to do anything apart from learning for school anymore.
I am so terrified...
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